Writing by Gaslight

One of the obstacles I constantly have to overcome with my writing is the obstructive idea that my truth is somehow skewed. Its a pervasive notion that someone else’s recollection of my life and my experiences is more valid than my own, that my feelings are invalid and my experiences ‘didn’t really happen.’ It is incredibly numbing to have openness met with dismissal, disbelief, and accusation.

As I’m sure many people can attest to, it is a mental flinch that is not uncommon, and not solely an internet phenomenon.

Admittedly, by reading more and more and being open about my life with my friends, I realize that the very thing that helps me tell myself to fuck off and write is being amazed and inspired by others who do it as well. Fuck anyone who acts like its an easy thing to do.

My purpose is not political. I’m not a self proclaimed activist by any means, despite my opinions and outlooks on certain issues. My activism is my vote, and my safe spaces. I don’t come to the internet for the all caps screaming matches and name calling. But sometimes I feel like just having the audacity to write truthfully as who I am is a political act in itself. And sometimes, it is.

Its one thing to repeat and follow the mantra ‘Do not read the comments’, but its an entirely different challenge when the comments are all addressing something that you yourself write. Not that I get many, but all it takes is a troll having a dry spell to ruin a post. I’m big into the whole ‘this is my website, I’ll delete what I please’ mentality, but only because I don’t fancy myself a journalist. I don’t believe in self censorship, as I think its important to demonstrate growth, but I would consider deleting inflammatory bullshit were it to actually occur.

And it bothers me that I have to fucking overthink all of these contingency plans to do something as simple as write, and publish online.  It takes focus away from what I actually intend to do, which is create.  It’s burdensome to have your attention taken away from what you want to concentrate on and perfect because you’re constantly reminded how shitty people can be.

So really, I’m trying to combat it.  I have a whole list of half entries and post titles and ideas that have been left sitting because I don’t feel they’re good enough, or I’m too anxious to post them, or I feel like they just don’t say anything of any importance or originality. But so what?

I am considering the idea of cross posting my blog to another platform like Medium for the exposure and community aspect, but I cannot for the life of me decide if I’m ready for it, if what I write is good enough, or whether anyone other than me even cares.

2 thoughts on “Writing by Gaslight

  1. I am kind of feeling you Brittany, I have been writing a biography for my Composition class. For the first three or four weeks I could not get myself to write it. It got to the point where it was a major topic of conversation with my therapist. I was afraid of what people would think, what the teacher thought, and even more so, afraid of offending my mom when she read it.

    I eventually came to the conclusion, I write, I like to write, and I’ll be God damned if I am going to let what I have to say be censored by the feelings of other people. Especially when it is my life from my point of view.

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