One of the more casual pastimes shared by the shadowy queer cabal I’ve come to consider my friends is group fantasizing for wholly unrealistic, dare I say impossible (I dare not, for sanity’s sake) futures in which we somehow have accumulated power without being born into or blackmailing our way into it. Oh but were we androgynous and lithe, with enough fortune to be in the right D.C. bar men’s room at the right time…
To call a spade a spade, we have lofty plans for when I, and I alone, become the lone benevolent dictator of Earth. I’m convinced it is the only way we will ever join the Federation, which exists in this reality so shut the hell up. YOU CANT TAKE COMMAND, SON. So in addition to setting up the requisite Starfleet institutions, and straying from a cash/commodity based economy in the perfectly planned out, no obvious loopholes or issues Roddenberry system, please, allow me to share with you some of the strange and wonderful things my incorruptible, absolute power would do for the world:
- Maternity leave for puppy adoption. Like, bitches gotta work, but puppies are important and need to be trained and loved.
- A colony of pot farmers that are all Jason Momoa clones. It’ll be set up like a petting zoo where you can bring them fresh lemonade. You’re fucking welcome.
- Seasons 2-7 of Firefly. Season 5 briefly enters softcore territory, heavily featuring zombie Wash.
- Finnish will replace English as the global language just to piss everyone off because seriously, what the hell even is Finnish, like share a root word guys.
- All ‘seen’ notifications on social media will be removed so people with anxiety stop freaking the fuck out. Thanks me! You’re welcome, me.
- Every district will be manned with snipers to eradicate the phenomenon of socks with sandals. Its tough love guys. You can keep your fedoras, but only because of my undying love for Alaina and her poor taste.
- All dresses will have pockets that are designed not to bunch up and fuck up the silhouette.
- Pumpkin spice will be available year round so you never have to hear anyone actually get excited about it.
- People will have to admit that their shitty behavior is rooted in their fear of death. Just admit it guys! We’re all screaming into the void together, lets scream in unison <3
- My blog will replace the magna carta. Because no one has actually read the magna carta either.
And yes, this can all be used as data in examining the long term effects of Netflix binging, doctor. HIPAA HIPAA Hooray!